Sometimes facts are self-evident. For example, I've never drilled a hole into my skull with a screwdriver, yet I know that it would hurt a lot. Similarly, I haven't actually seen the new movie version of "The Dukes of Hazzard," yet I know it's a huge piece of crap.

If you plan to see the picture, and you're still harboring the ridiculous expectation that it might be good, bear this in mind: Jessica Simpson has many more years of experience as a singer than she does as an actress, yet she cannot sing. You do the math.

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On the positive side, the movie is generating some pretty good quotes from film critics. Here are a few of the better ones:

"There's nothing wrong with Simpson's performance that a head transplant wouldn't cure[...]."
Lawrence Toppman, Charlotte Observer

"Burt Reynolds fired his agent after Boogie Nights. If he has a lick of sense in his head, he'll kill his agent after Dukes of Hazzard."
Devin Faraci, CHUD.com

"Commenting on performances here is like critiquing the production design of a porno--it's beside the point."
Allison Benedikt, Chicago Tribune

"A lapdance, a fifth of cheap whiskey, and a lube job would offer the same elements and be a hell of a lot more fun."
Brian Juergens, Freeze Dried Movies

"Prepare to witness an amazing feat of filmmaking: Shocked and delighted will you be to see real Hollywood actors and real musicians outperformed by your favorite inanimate objects!"
Peter L'Official, Village Voice

"The movie's so unfunny, it almost appears to be that way on purpose, kind of like an Ingmar Bergman film."
Robert Wilonsky, Dallas Observer

"Straight viewing could result in brain damage."
James Berardinelli, ReelViews

And the greatest line ever written by a film critic...

"There is no wrong time to flush this turd."
Peter Travers, Rolling Stone

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Nearly three years ago, on another website, I published a list of fictional pitches for film adaptations of TV shows. I intended them all as bad jokes and included such gems as "Charles in Charge," "B.J. and the Bear," and "Jake and the Fatman." Naturally, the "The Dukes of Hazzard" was also on the list (long before the current movie was produced). My joke version starred Ben Stiller (Luke), Owen Wilson (Bo), Britney Spears (Daisy), Fred Dalton Thompson (Boss Hogg), Billy Bob Thornton (Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane), Jerry Stiller (Uncle Jesse), and Jack Black (Cooter).

You know what? I'd rather watch that movie than the one that actually got made.

The actor who played friendly mechanic Cooter on "The Dukes of Hazzard" wants you to stay away from the upcoming movie version of the classic CBS series. Ben Jones, who went on to become a U.S. congressman after the show's end, has posted an open letter on his website criticizing the film for tarnishing the show's family-friendly image:

Unless they clean it up before the August 5th release date I would strongly recommend that true blue Dukes fans hold their noses and pass this one up. And whatever you do, don't take any youngsters to see it. As plain as I can put it, the only thing this movie shares with our show is the title. Oh, they do have the General Lee flying through the air, although according to the New York Times, they didn't even use stunt drivers.

Sure it bothers me that they wanted nothing to do with the cast of our show, but what bothers me much more is the profanity laced script with blatant sexual situations that mocks the good clean family values of our series. Now, anybody who knows me knows that I'm not a prude. But this kind of toilet humor has no place in Hazzard County. Rather than honoring our legendary show, they have chosen to degrade it.

I wonder which "good clean family values" the show's producers consulted when they decided to name one of the characters "Cooter."

[Cooter's Place] The Dukes Movie: Don't Go Unless They Clean It Up! (via Yahoo! News)